Taken From "When Parents Ask Help"-Search Institute

Action Tips

• Make sure your child knows that he or she can come to you about anything at anytime.
• Report the situation to the school immediately. Afterward, check in with your child in with your child to make sure the problem has been solved.
• Teach your adolescent resistance skills such as avoiding or ignoring the bully, using humor, walking confidently, and speaking assertively.
• If your child is bullying others, seek help from the teacher, principal, or doctor right away.
• Promote a policy of telling the truth in your family.
• Establish an atmosphere of mutual caring and trust within your home.
• Have a young person who has bullied someone take responsibility for her or his actions.
• If your child's a bully's target assure your child that the bullying is not her or his fault, and do other things to boost her or his self-esteem.
• Keep the lines of communication open with the staff and faculty of your adolescent's school. Notify them if you have concerns about young people's safety.
• Ask your school if they have a bully-prevention policy. If not, help them develop one.

Positive Family Communication:
When a young person is being bullied, it's especially important to provide an atmosphere in which he or she can feel free to talk openly and honestly. Your child may be ashamed of the events taking place.  Knowing he or she has an open door to you helps keep this matter from becoming a painful secret. Be available whenever and wherever your child wants to talk.  If you're in the middle of something, arrange to talk as soon as possible.
    If you suspect something is going on but your adolescent isnt talking about it, ask questions.  Do you feel safe at school? On the school bus?( IF the Answer is no find out why.)  Are you having troubles with another student or group of students? (if the answer is yes follow up immediately.)  Make it clear that you support your child completely.
    Ask questions and listen to answers with an open mind and a focus on understanding.  The more you know about your child's life the more likely you are you know if he or she is being bullied.

Safety:
If your child does come to you about being bullied, respond in a loving and accepting way.  Give your full attention to the entire story, and acknowledge how difficult and frightening the situation must be for him or her.  Assure your child that his or her safety is extremely important to you and you will do everything you can to ensure it.  Ask your child about what he or she thinks should be done about the situation.  You might encourage her or him to talk with a teacher, friend or guidance counselor for additional support.
    Report the situation to the school immediately, and talk to your child's teachers, guidance counselor and school administration about dealing with the problem.  Continue to ask your child everyday what is going on at school.  This gives you the opportunity to keep up to date on the situation and know if things are getting better.  Help your child understand that the behavior is the bully's problem and is not your child's fault.      

Resistance Skills:
Teaching your adolescent some basic resistance skills can help deflect the bullying situation.  Here are some tips to pass on to your child:

• Avoid or ignore the bully
• Stay in groups when possible.  Bullying is less likely your occur if your child is with friends.
• Say no to a bully's demands from the start. ( Unless there's a weapon involved.  In this case, a young person should give in to the demands and then tell an adult or call the police about the situation as soon as possible)
• Help your child practice what to say to a bully. Practice assertive responses such as " Get lost-Leave me alone" and " I don't like what you're doing"
• Don't fight back. Physical confrontation leads  to increased victimization.
• Be confident. Use strong body language-walk tall, with head up high and back straight.
• Use humor.  If your child can laugh at herself or himself, it doesn't give the bully the response he or she was looking for.
• If in danger walk or run away.

Self-Esteem:
    Now it's more important than ever to boost your child's self esteem.  If your child is being bullied, assure her or him that the bullying is not his or her fault.  Remind your child how great he or she is.  You could write post-it notes of specific things you like about your child and leave them in hidden places around his or her room.  Be sure to express you love regularly and often.  Encourage your child to keep a journal of accomplishments.  This can become a reference source of positive feelings.  If you think your child's self esteem is badly damaged, get professional help.

Caring:
    Bullying is a sign of emotional distress and can lead to serious problems if not dealt with.  If your child is the bully, you need to get help right away.  Seek the help of your child's doctor, teacher, principle, or school counselor.  You may have to get help from a psychiatric professional if the bullying continues.
  If your adolescent is bullying others, you can establish an atmosphere of mutual caring and helpfulness within your home.  Set clear boundaries and expectations about how people should treat each other.  Model respectful behavior.  Show care and concern for neighbors.  For example, are there elderly neighbors that need help with grocery shopping and house cleaning?  If so, get your child involved.  Teach your child nonviolent conflict skills.  You can find many books at the library on the subject, as well as sites on the internet.

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WHAT YOUNG PEOPLE SAY: "Try to be a good role model to kids who are bullies."

    AND "Some people don't like it when other people are unique, but there is no perfect person out there,

                                so everybody should accept how everyone is."

Most people have some unique feature that marks them as "different." For some people, the distinguishing feature might be their super curly hair. For others, it might be those shiny new braces. For some, the factor might not be so visible, such as practicing a different religion than most of the neighbors. Whatever the difference is, it may make them a target for bullies. And whether your child is the bully or the victim, that means trouble.

    Bullies and bullying can come in different forms. Some bullies may be loud and outward about their behavior. Other bullies are more subversive and choose to bully through such quiet behavior as spreading lies. A victim may be targeted by a single bully or by an entire group.

    Young people who are bullied go through true mental anguish that can disrupt their social and emotional development and affect their school performance. Some find the pain so unbearable,  they attempt suicide. What can you do to help your child in this situation? What can you do if your child is on the opposite end and he or she is the one doing the bullying?

    The developmental assets are positive qualities, experiences and skills that children need to grow up healthy and responsible. Parents, grandparents, stepparents, or any other guardian of a child can use these assets as a framework to help them think through the new experiences they're encountering with their children. Whether your family is dealing with the issue of bullying or being bullied, the assets you may want to consider looking at  for guidance are Positive Family Communication, Safety, Resistance Skills, Self-Esteem, Caring, Responsibility, Honesty, Family Support, and Caring School Climate.

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This page was last updated: 04/12/2006